A Little More Conversation

Could you go a day without emailing, tweeting, using Facebook, sending a text message on your android/smartphone, or interacting with anyone online using your desktop, laptop or iPad? Food for thought! Most of us rely heavily on technology to keep in touch with each other. But how well do we actually “communicate” and is our dedication to virtual living killing off our social skills?

Like magpies attracted to shiny objects, gay men and women have the reputation of embracing (usually first!) any new gadgets and applications that hit the market. They are also more likely to engage in online activities. Keep us from our toys and we sweat with separation anxiety. But as much as we enjoy the fun and freedom our devices provide us with, knowing when to take a break from them is important.

MBH (my better half) and I were at the movies recently for a chilled, fun afternoon of mindless entertainment. The movie was “Magic Mike” starring Channing Tatum and Matt Bomer, the openly gay “White Collar” actor. No plot, but plenty of eye candy. The first scene of a group strip act filled the screen when some woman’s mobile phone went off in the audience. And she took the call! An emergency? No, just telling a friend where she was and what she was ogling at.

Afterwards, my partner and I headed to a local café where we tucked into coffee and dessert while having a laugh and enjoying the wide social mix of Newtown. Within minutes, a group of men were seated at a table next to ours. MBH signalled discreetly towards them. All had their phones out and, heads bowed as if in a prayer meeting, were tapping away at their screens.

“Just checking in on Facebook to let everyone know where I am,” said one guy. Another explained he was playing Words with Friends. A third squealed about a gorgeous date lined up on Manhunt and then the table fell silent. All six men stared at the screens in their laps, interacting with anyone in the virtual world, but each other. To their credit, they did look up for at least 2 seconds when MBH and I mentioned Channing’s name in conversation.

Now, don’t get me wrong, my partner and I use social media most every day and think it’s an incredible invention. Whilst recently overseas our iPad was a lifesaver. Without it we’d never have been able to communicate our safety to family and friends during a hurricane we were caught in. However, we did make a point of not bringing it along while meeting new people over dinners and sight-seeing.

And just a few nights ago, social media came in handy again. Lying in bed next to me, MBH got stuck into Facebook on his iPad. When time came to get some shut eye, I was able to “pm” him from my android to ask him to switch off the lights. Who knew technology could be so amazing! It has no doubt made our lives better, but has also taught us to reassess our social and communication priorities. For us, real life will always take precedence over virtual life.

Gay Retirement

If most retirement homes are run by church groups who don’t support equal rights for the gay community, then what will happen to us when we are forced into care?

The subject of “old age” has preoccupied me for many years. As a child watching a Tarzan movie, I can remember a group of greedy treasure hunters raiding an elephants’ graveyard for the ivory it contained. What tugged at my heartstrings most wasn’t the stolen tusks, but the thought of older elephants having to retire to a place far from their herd to die alone.

I was horrified that any living creature, mammal or otherwise, should have to face the final curtain on its own. Surely, nature had a better plan. Recently, the scene popped back into my head as I pondered over life’s third act. What happens to gay and lesbian seniors after retirement and are they offered a happier ending than that of a pachyderm starring in a black and white movie?

Believing I was being original – turns out I was wrong, I suggested to MBH (my better half) that a retirement village for the gay community might be the answer to the conundrum. Wouldn’t it be great if we were able to enjoy our golden years amidst like-minded people in an environment where one could feel safe and accepted? Common interests would bring residents together. Quoting lines from “Little Britain” to neighbours would no longer raise blank stares.

And just picture the array of activities and entertainment that would be on offer! Sure, the thought of a Priscilla talent show for seniors might not be everyone’s cup of tea, especially if the performers are residents reliving their drag days decked out in dusty, old sequined costumes. But I rather like the idea of a village where people can gather, enjoy each other’s company and rely on one another for support.

A study by Witek-Coombs reveals that 25% of the gay community will be aged over 60 by 2020. Many of these potential retirees will be seeking a community where they can relax and be themselves whilst being cared for. These requirements are often overlooked in mainstream facilities where residents are at risk of getting mistreated for being openly gay. Some are split from their partners. Others experience physical or mental abuse from their peers and long-term care givers.

Australian federal laws do not currently recognise discrimination on sexuality or gender as they do on race or age issues. Gay activists hope to get this changed as more than half of the aged-care sector is made up of church-run facilities. Luckily, plans have been approved by the Australian government to build the nation’s first gay and lesbian retirement village near Ballan, in regional Victoria. This complex will hopefully set a benchmark and inspire other states to follow suit.

In a perfect world, there would be no discrimination and no need for separate retirement facilities for gay people. However, judging by our religious and political leaders’ stance on civil partnerships, gay marriage and civil rights, that perfect world isn’t likely to come about in Australia any time soon.

So perhaps, for those who are able to afford it, an alternative to mainstream retirement homes is worth considering. After all, gay retirement should mean retiring from work, not retiring from being gay. MBH tells me he’ll think about it, so long as I never make him dress up in drag. Pity as I’ve got great ideas for a new double act!

The thought of being forced back into the closet or ending up the only gay in the village is far worse a fate. On that we both agree.

Facing Middle Age

You may insist you’re in your early thirties. I have for more than a decade, much to the amusement of MBH (my better half), family and friends. However, the fire extinguisher I keep at hand every time I blow out my birthday candles tells another story. Let’s face it… escaping the effects of gravity is impossible unless you’re an astronaut.

So, wouldn’t it be great if we could dip into the fountain of youth and maintain a fresh appearance as we got older! Just think about it, no more wrinkles and grey hairs to cover up. No more fat fibs to tell. Plastic surgeons would be out of business and everyone, whether gay or straight, male or female, would look equally as fabulous on the day they shuffled off this mortal coil.

You see, I’ve always thought it unfair how one sex is favoured over the other when it comes to ageing. Consider the number of men who are labelled “distinguished” as they move towards the autumn of their years. Women rarely benefit from the same kindness. Gay men can relate to this injustice and are probably more empathetic towards women than their straight counterparts, simply because of the nature of gay culture which places so much emphasis on looks and youth.

Just flick through any gay magazine featuring a tanned and chiselled Adonis on the cover and you’ll know what I mean. It’s enough to make one sign up to Boot Camp or invest in a hyperbaric chamber.

So should we give in to Mother Nature’s vagaries and age gracefully or should we punch age in the face by ingesting antioxidants and jumping on the treadmill? I believe finding balance between the two options is the key. Personally, I like the idea of ageing disgracefully and have always been up for a challenge. If Mother Nature throws me lemons, I hurl them right back at her because I don’t do lemonade. I will however give her kudos for her hearty sense of humour.

In our twenties, she blesses us with a full head of hair and a body that requires little if no manscaping, only to reverse everything when we reach middle age. As if touched by a magic wand, we begin to lose our hair and see whiskers appear in unwanted areas. Nostrils and ears go berserk, sprouting forth as if preparing for an Arctic expedition. Eyebrows take on a life of their own and, before you know it, you’re starring as a furball in Disney’s Fantasia.

Some men embrace their un-tampered beauty and newfound werewolf status. Others run screaming to the nearest spa or hair clinic where they undergo expensive treatments to remove hair on one body part while promoting follicle regrowth on another. It’s a lucrative business and, just in case you lose heart, a plethora of advertisers out there will remind you that you are “worth it”.

It is easy to give in to insecurity and obsess over one’s looks. We’ve all been there at one point or another. What works for MBH and I is remembering that for every yin, there is a yang. Grooming is necessary, however, we’re mindful not to spend more time in the bathroom than our toothbrushes. Exercise is important to us, but we balance it out with regular catch-ups with friends over a home-cooked meal and perhaps a piece of rich, chocolate cake...or two.

Yes, ageing may not be for the faint-hearted, but we’ve accepted it and enjoy every day as it comes. As famous French musical comedy actor Maurice Chevalier once said, “Old age is not that bad when you consider the alternative.” You’d be hard put to disagree…

Mental Health Care in NSW – A State in Crisis

To mark World Mental Health Day today (10 October), I decided to feature an updated version of an article I wrote two years ago about mental health care in NSW on this blog. The story never saw the light of day. Although not specifically targeted at the gay community, the subject concerns everyone. Mental illness doesn’t discriminate. We all have a friend, family member or know of an acquaintance that has suffered from depression or needed counselling.

I believe it’s vital that politicians be made aware and deal with the stigma attached to mental health care in order to help those in need. Any society or nation is judged on the basis of how it treats its weakest members. It’s time for Australia to realise that sweeping the problem underneath the carpet isn’t going to make it go away!

When Australian actor Matthew Newton displayed schizophrenia-like symptoms a couple of years ago during a trip to Rome where he allegedly physically assaulted his then-girlfriend, Rachael Taylor, in a hotel lobby, the troubled actor was able to fly back to Australia and check into a private clinic in Sydney’s west. Unlike Newton, who can afford the best available treatment, most Australian families have a harder time finding adequate care for their mentally-ill loved ones.

With the closure of Callan Park’s Rozelle Hospital in New South Wales four years ago, one of the last public sanctuaries for people with psychiatric problems disappeared for good. Many patients such as Joan Harrow’s* two children, both formerly treated at the mental institution for schizophrenia, were relocated to busy hospital emergency wards.

Because of a lack of bed space, acute inpatient units are often under pressure to discharge patients prematurely to make room for new admissions. Just like putting a Band Aid on a gaping wound, they are only a quick fix solution.

 “A very large number of girls who develop schizophrenia will be raped because they are not being kept in hospital; families can’t protect them because they run away,” says Joan.

“My daughter has been raped, and pack-raped.”

Joan and her husband have four children, two of whom are affected by mental illness. The symptoms began when Joan’s 46-year-old son and 52-year-old daughter were in their late teens and experimenting with marijuana.

“My son tried to cut his throat with a carving knife. He then tried to hang himself. The marks of the cord on his neck were visible for ten days,” she says.

Her son has since tried to commit suicide several times, the last time jumping from the second storey of a building, breaking both legs. 

Joan believes that psychiatric hospitals are needed to provide a place where patients can feel safe, connect with nature and heal. She says it’s not just about protecting the community; it’s also about protecting the vulnerable. Using general hospitals as dumping grounds for the mentally ill isn’t going to solve any problems. It only heaps stress onto frontline workers such as doctors, nurses, paramedics and police who are already overstretched.

Psychiatric bed numbers in Australia have decreased by 80 per cent in 40 years while the population has doubled, but there are no plans to restore Rozelle Hospital. Development proposals for the land that sits on the shores of Iron Cove, in Lilyfield, have included an aged care facility, private housing and a university campus.

Roslyn Burge, a historian and member of Friends of Callan Park, emphasises the importance of retaining Rozelle Hospital’s mental health services.

“We have people coming to our monthly meetings who have terrible stories to tell about a family member getting turned away from overcrowded emergency wards, ending up homeless or in jail.”

Joan Harrow agrees that not enough services are available for people who need them. She says holidays such as Christmas and Easter are especially dangerous for people with mental illness. They are more likely to harm themselves.

“Very often the services that you can call on close down for the holidays and you’re left in a really difficult situation.”

The day before Australia Day 2010, Roslyn Burge lost a close friend to suicide.

“When it happens to someone who is close to you, your feelings hit another degree of emotion,” she says, tears in her eyes. Roslyn’s friend was in and out of hospital for two years and underwent many treatments including ECT and drug therapy. She committed suicide at Sydney’s Gap, leaving behind a husband, and two daughters in their mid and late-twenties.

 “Extraordinary amounts of public money and private donations go towards patients suffering from physical illnesses,” says Roslyn. “Unfortunately, the same can’t be said about mental illness.” As a result, much of the patient’s care falls upon family members and their own community.

“You wouldn’t expect someone with cancer to take their chemotherapy treatment at home,” she adds. “It’s a huge cost to the public, yet no one objects.”

Joan Harrow says her children have been doing better since taking the drug Clozapine and that her daughter now lives on her own. She admits she is worried about her son’s future as he is less independent. For now, he will continue living with her and her husband.

“He’s good company, very likeable and helps us around the house and garden. A person who is mentally-ill isn’t necessarily miserable and useless.”

With four million Australians suffering from mental health problems in any given year and only one third of them getting treatment, it is obvious that government should no longer be allowed to sweep the issue under the carpet. More funding is needed and the lack of resources must be addressed. Every Australian deserves to be treated with dignity and to have access to the right kind of help, whether a celebrity like Matthew Newton or the average man on the street. In the end, it’s all about vision and will.

*Not her real name

Families Come In All Shapes And Sizes

MBH (my better half) and I contribute to society. We own a house, a car and pay our taxes. We value the sanctity of marriage and, despite our union not being recognised by Australian law, we define ourselves as a family. You might say we are as boringly normal as it is possible to get. So normal in fact that, years ago, we considered filling our home with the pitter patter of tiny feet.

I’ve always suspected MBH was keen on becoming a father so that he could share blame for the mess in our home frequently left in his wake. “Babe, what’s a pile of dirty laundry and several pairs of shoes scattered across the bedroom floor compared to shitty diapers and baby’s puke?” I can hear him say. Apparently, we’re not the only gay couple with deflection issues.

Current statistics reveal almost 34,000 same-sex couples living in Australia, more than 10 per cent of which are declared by Census as parenting a child. This is just a rough estimate due to underreporting but, given these figures, you would be right in assuming that adoption and surrogacy are commonplace. As MBH and I found out doing our research, welcoming a child into your life can be a journey filled with obstacles.

The major stumbling block with adoption is the waiting game. Although it is legal for same-sex couples to adopt in New South Wales, the process is lengthy and costly. It can take up to eight years or more from start to finish and may cost anywhere up to $40,000. Surrogacy can be just as complicated.

Commercial surrogacy in some states is a criminal offence which leaves same-sex couples with two choices, either to discreetly go ahead with an overseas commercial arrangement and risk prosecution or opt for an altruistic surrogacy. The latter requires finding a birth mother who may be willing to carry your child without payment other than the costs associated with the pregnancy. A challenge in itself!   

MBH and I met relatively late in life. We were both in our forties which, for many of the nations participating in the inter-country adoption program, is considered past the cut-off point age-wise. We were also acutely aware that, if we were made to wait too long, we might not have the energy needed to raise a child. Middle of the night diaper changes and feedings are hard enough on a young couple, let alone a couple fifty or over. Besides, we wanted our offspring to have parents young enough to kick a ball with around the yard, without either dad risking a dislocated hip.

Ultimately, we made an informed choice, taking into account both the child’s needs and what was best for us, and decided with heavy hearts to forgo parenthood.  It is however heartening to see the number of same-sex families in Australia increasing year by year despite strong objections by traditionalists and religious groups who seem to believe that heterosexual couples make better parents than same-sex couples.  

In reality, any couple, gay or straight, who provides a stable and secure environment for their child to grow up in, qualifies for the job. To MBH and I, being a good parent doesn’t boil down to gender. It is about dedication and teaching kids core values whilst making them feel wanted, loved and cherished.