Families Come In All Shapes And Sizes

MBH (my better half) and I contribute to society. We own a house, a car and pay our taxes. We value the sanctity of marriage and, despite our union not being recognised by Australian law, we define ourselves as a family. You might say we are as boringly normal as it is possible to get. So normal in fact that, years ago, we considered filling our home with the pitter patter of tiny feet.

I’ve always suspected MBH was keen on becoming a father so that he could share blame for the mess in our home frequently left in his wake. “Babe, what’s a pile of dirty laundry and several pairs of shoes scattered across the bedroom floor compared to shitty diapers and baby’s puke?” I can hear him say. Apparently, we’re not the only gay couple with deflection issues.

Current statistics reveal almost 34,000 same-sex couples living in Australia, more than 10 per cent of which are declared by Census as parenting a child. This is just a rough estimate due to underreporting but, given these figures, you would be right in assuming that adoption and surrogacy are commonplace. As MBH and I found out doing our research, welcoming a child into your life can be a journey filled with obstacles.

The major stumbling block with adoption is the waiting game. Although it is legal for same-sex couples to adopt in New South Wales, the process is lengthy and costly. It can take up to eight years or more from start to finish and may cost anywhere up to $40,000. Surrogacy can be just as complicated.

Commercial surrogacy in some states is a criminal offence which leaves same-sex couples with two choices, either to discreetly go ahead with an overseas commercial arrangement and risk prosecution or opt for an altruistic surrogacy. The latter requires finding a birth mother who may be willing to carry your child without payment other than the costs associated with the pregnancy. A challenge in itself!   

MBH and I met relatively late in life. We were both in our forties which, for many of the nations participating in the inter-country adoption program, is considered past the cut-off point age-wise. We were also acutely aware that, if we were made to wait too long, we might not have the energy needed to raise a child. Middle of the night diaper changes and feedings are hard enough on a young couple, let alone a couple fifty or over. Besides, we wanted our offspring to have parents young enough to kick a ball with around the yard, without either dad risking a dislocated hip.

Ultimately, we made an informed choice, taking into account both the child’s needs and what was best for us, and decided with heavy hearts to forgo parenthood.  It is however heartening to see the number of same-sex families in Australia increasing year by year despite strong objections by traditionalists and religious groups who seem to believe that heterosexual couples make better parents than same-sex couples.  

In reality, any couple, gay or straight, who provides a stable and secure environment for their child to grow up in, qualifies for the job. To MBH and I, being a good parent doesn’t boil down to gender. It is about dedication and teaching kids core values whilst making them feel wanted, loved and cherished.